Friday, October 5, 2007

Buried Neck Deep!

Buried Neck Deep!

AP- They say a prank is only funny until it goes too far, and in Arthur Byrne’s case, the prank went far indeed. Nearly four days after being convinced by friends to bury himself neck deep in the sand at Rye Beach , nobody (including patrons, police officers, his friends, or even this reporter) will come to Byrne’s aid. Nicknamed “Blah” for his variety of antics and eccentricities, Byrne has electrified crowds with backflips off of buildings, dudely comments, and drunken home invasions. This time, however, it looks like the jokes on him...for good. Mindy Roberts, 34, a patron at Rye Beach , gave her account to our reporter.

“I was playing with my two children close to the shore, when all of the sudden, I see this head popping out of the sand. He was wearing a white hat. It sounded like he was yelling incoherently, and there was a crowd around him, laughing….I didn’t know what to think. I thought he was a performer or an actor or something.” Rye police officers declined to comment on the ongoing situation, citing the humorous nature of it. Byrne’s parents seem very non-chalant on the matter as well.

“Actually, we think it’s good for Peter to spend a few days in the sand,” Byrne’s mother told us. “He seems so peaceful in his constant state of stillness. Tell him we said hi.” It’s reported that Byrne’s friends convinced the always-eager-to-please Byrne to bury himself with their help, and then left him to go on several of the rides at Playland.

There’s no ongoing investigation and no pending charges. Peter Byrne’s repeated requests for an interview were turned down, because this reporter has better things to do.

Local Recluse Triples Calf Muscles in 3 Weeks


A.P- Nick Carbanella, a 25 year old local recluse, moved to his 5th story upper east-side studio apartment to begin to get both of his “legs underneath him”, he didn’t anticipate, however, that it would take nothing short of a crane operator to move his ever-expanding calf muscles. In the short span of a few weeks, Carbanella’s calf size has tripled, leaving neighboring residents worried about what the future may hold for young Carbanella.

“The last man who lived in that apartment…I believe his name was Taylor, good man….father of 3, deli owner….after the 5th week, the man passed away between the 3rd and 4th floors,” says downstairs resident Toby Banks. “They say he was in great shape too. Ran marathons every month. Those stairs are really something. Living on the 5th floor is the equivolent to suicide in these parts, see. From what I hear….they had to send the fire department up there with oxygen masks, because the air is so thin up there.”

A local scientist is baffled how anyone can survive the regimen of walking up and down to Carbanella’s apartment on a daily basis. Steve Oxingford explains his finding, “We’ve done extensive research in trying to come up with comparable forces of motion, we concluded that Carbanella’s legs need as much momentum as a charging full grown Rhinocerous to scale the stairs to his 5th story floor. Our machines would indicate that Carbanella’s calf muscles are adapting to this incredible workload, and the roots of genetic mutation are beginning to take form. This is a miracle of science, really.”

The expanding calf muscles have been a social detriment to Carbanella as well. Recently, reports indicate he snapped the entire leg press machine at the YMCA on his first rep, and had to pay $1999 to replace it. On certain days, Carbanella refuses to leave his apartment, for the sole purpose of delaying his ever-expanding calf muscles.

Carbanella refused an interview with us, but sources close to him tell us he’s doing well and loving the single life.

Where's my Balboa?!- (letter of complaint to Salvatore's deli)

Where’s my Balboa?!

Hey Salvatore, I’ve been waiting here by the docks here 45 minutes for my balboa. Where is it?! Don’t tell me that you ran out of onions….or that you’re waiting for an order of rolls….or that the grill needs a scrub. I’ve heard all of those excuses before. Also…don’t tell me that balboas are a “lunch item only”, cuz I know you’re full of it, Salvatore!! I saw Vinny get somethin’ in there earlier, and I saw Joey comin' out, both with big smiles on their faces. When I asked them what they got, you know what they said Salvatore? They said “Salvatore told me not to tell you”. What the hell is that all about?! You know something, Salvatore?.....I’m a simple man who puts his pants on one leg at a time. I bust my balls. And when I want want a nice balboa fresh off the grill, I don’t mince words. Now I’m gonna give you 3 minutes to get that steak on the grill, put some hot sauce and onions on it, and serve it to me raw. You’ve got 3 minutes, Salvatore!! 3 minutes!

Jim Scallion Ruins High School Party

Jim Scallion ruins another
Smooth High School Party!

AP- Jane Randall had thought everything was in its proper place for a party. Her parents were in the Caribbean for a week long cruise, her neighbors were both hearing-impaired, and she had just aced every high school final without studying. Everything was in place. The kegs were delivered. The drinking games set-up. The dog was locked in the basement. She had anticipated everything….or, nearly everything….until the notorious Jim Scallion decided to show up. Jim Scallion, the half-guido half-crustacean hybrid who ruins parties, decided to take Jane’s fate into his own hands.
“It wasn’t like any spectacular entrance,” Randal tells our reporters, “I mean, there were probably about a few dozen kids at the party. I remember watching the beer pong game, and lo and behold, who’s standing across the table from me? Jim Scallion himself. He was smoking a cigarette and getting ash all over the table. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.”
The name Jim Scallion evokes legendary stories of havoc and sloppiness. It’s rumored that Scallion has ruined hundreds of parties spanning the tri-state area, and made the cleaning process a host’s worst nightmare. His sloppiness, coupled with the crustacean features he posses(shrimp feet and pinchers), turns any party into slimy Italian oceanic slob-fest.
“We were playing a game of asshole with a few kids, and Scallion comes by,” confesses party-goer Anthony Hoffman. “You could tell that everyone at the table wasn’t thrilled about this. Anyways, Scallion loses every hand and starts accusing us of fixing the games!! Tell me this; who would fix a game of ‘asshole’? We all started laughing, and Scallion threw the cards all over the floor and poured his beer on table and stormed away! What the hell was that all about!?” Michael Peterson had a different encounter with Scallion.
“I went to the bathroom to take a leak, and I guess the alcohol screwed up my peripheral vision or something, but I saw Scallion just soaking up in the bathtub. His shrimp legs were sticking out and everything. When I yelled at him and asked him what he was doing, he said that he needed to ‘moisten his pinchers,bro’. It was gross. It smelled horrible and the water looked all briny. Who the hell invited this guy, anyways?”
Scallion was alleged to cause dozens of beer spills, a broken beer-pong table, and even accidentally lit a small fire on the kitchen stove while cooking some eggs in which he had no permission to cook. Paul Sizemore even had a brief run-in with Scallion on the back porch.
“I left my pistachios on the table out there for 2 minutes while I was talking to a friend, and when I got back the bag was empty,” says Sizemore. “I looked around and asked, ‘who ate my nuts’?! I see Scallion there with a smile on his face and nut-crumbles all over his lips, and I confront him, and he denies it. He said that it couldn’t have been him, because he had just gotten there. Who invited that twerp?!”
Randall eventually kicked Scallion out of the party, but not before her house looked like something out of a horror movie. “It reminded me of that movie “War of the worlds, but slimier. I hope I never see him out at parties again” she told our reporters. Another weekend. Another ruined party. Another troublesome report of Jim Scallion.