Jim Scallion Ruins High School Party

Jim Scallion ruins another
Smooth High School Party!

AP- Jane Randall had thought everything was in its proper place for a party. Her parents were in the Caribbean for a week long cruise, her neighbors were both hearing-impaired, and she had just aced every high school final without studying. Everything was in place. The kegs were delivered. The drinking games set-up. The dog was locked in the basement. She had anticipated everything….or, nearly everything….until the notorious Jim Scallion decided to show up. Jim Scallion, the half-guido half-crustacean hybrid who ruins parties, decided to take Jane’s fate into his own hands.
“It wasn’t like any spectacular entrance,” Randal tells our reporters, “I mean, there were probably about a few dozen kids at the party. I remember watching the beer pong game, and lo and behold, who’s standing across the table from me? Jim Scallion himself. He was smoking a cigarette and getting ash all over the table. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.”
The name Jim Scallion evokes legendary stories of havoc and sloppiness. It’s rumored that Scallion has ruined hundreds of parties spanning the tri-state area, and made the cleaning process a host’s worst nightmare. His sloppiness, coupled with the crustacean features he posses(shrimp feet and pinchers), turns any party into slimy Italian oceanic slob-fest.
“We were playing a game of asshole with a few kids, and Scallion comes by,” confesses party-goer Anthony Hoffman. “You could tell that everyone at the table wasn’t thrilled about this. Anyways, Scallion loses every hand and starts accusing us of fixing the games!! Tell me this; who would fix a game of ‘asshole’? We all started laughing, and Scallion threw the cards all over the floor and poured his beer on table and stormed away! What the hell was that all about!?” Michael Peterson had a different encounter with Scallion.
“I went to the bathroom to take a leak, and I guess the alcohol screwed up my peripheral vision or something, but I saw Scallion just soaking up in the bathtub. His shrimp legs were sticking out and everything. When I yelled at him and asked him what he was doing, he said that he needed to ‘moisten his pinchers,bro’. It was gross. It smelled horrible and the water looked all briny. Who the hell invited this guy, anyways?”
Scallion was alleged to cause dozens of beer spills, a broken beer-pong table, and even accidentally lit a small fire on the kitchen stove while cooking some eggs in which he had no permission to cook. Paul Sizemore even had a brief run-in with Scallion on the back porch.
“I left my pistachios on the table out there for 2 minutes while I was talking to a friend, and when I got back the bag was empty,” says Sizemore. “I looked around and asked, ‘who ate my nuts’?! I see Scallion there with a smile on his face and nut-crumbles all over his lips, and I confront him, and he denies it. He said that it couldn’t have been him, because he had just gotten there. Who invited that twerp?!”
Randall eventually kicked Scallion out of the party, but not before her house looked like something out of a horror movie. “It reminded me of that movie “War of the worlds, but slimier. I hope I never see him out at parties again” she told our reporters. Another weekend. Another ruined party. Another troublesome report of Jim Scallion.