Local Recluse Triples Calf Muscles in 3 Weeks

LOCAL RECLUSE TRIPLES CALF MUSCLES IN 3 WEEKS

A.P- Nick Carbanella, a 25 year old local recluse, moved to his 5th story upper east-side studio apartment to begin to get both of his “legs underneath him”, he didn’t anticipate, however, that it would take nothing short of a crane operator to move his ever-expanding calf muscles. In the short span of a few weeks, Carbanella’s calf size has tripled, leaving neighboring residents worried about what the future may hold for young Carbanella.

“The last man who lived in that apartment…I believe his name was Taylor, good man….father of 3, deli owner….after the 5th week, the man passed away between the 3rd and 4th floors,” says downstairs resident Toby Banks. “They say he was in great shape too. Ran marathons every month. Those stairs are really something. Living on the 5th floor is the equivolent to suicide in these parts, see. From what I hear….they had to send the fire department up there with oxygen masks, because the air is so thin up there.”

A local scientist is baffled how anyone can survive the regimen of walking up and down to Carbanella’s apartment on a daily basis. Steve Oxingford explains his finding, “We’ve done extensive research in trying to come up with comparable forces of motion, we concluded that Carbanella’s legs need as much momentum as a charging full grown Rhinocerous to scale the stairs to his 5th story floor. Our machines would indicate that Carbanella’s calf muscles are adapting to this incredible workload, and the roots of genetic mutation are beginning to take form. This is a miracle of science, really.”

The expanding calf muscles have been a social detriment to Carbanella as well. Recently, reports indicate he snapped the entire leg press machine at the YMCA on his first rep, and had to pay $1999 to replace it. On certain days, Carbanella refuses to leave his apartment, for the sole purpose of delaying his ever-expanding calf muscles.

Carbanella refused an interview with us, but sources close to him tell us he’s doing well and loving the single life.